Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
