Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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