Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
