I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
