I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
