Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
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