My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
