I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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