wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
