Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Let's paint friendship bongs
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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