after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Randomize
