There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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