your parents love me but you hate me
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
