Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
we're chasing vodka with high fives
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
