So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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