dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
