I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
