Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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