I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
