I cut my penus on the lid.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
