best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Pants are for mortals
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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