why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
tequila makes me forget i have legs
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
