I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
