I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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