don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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