Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
