when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
