Tell her she can't have a vagina
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
