Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
