Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
