Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
