I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
