It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
