If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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