I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Blood and glitter go together right?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
