Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
