I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
