are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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