Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
