Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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