I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
