could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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