why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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