made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
We are all done wearing pants today
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
