I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
