take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
