dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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