she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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