I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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