I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
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